The Tapestry

"My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors; he works so steadily.
Oft times He weaves in sorrow and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper and me the underside.
Not till the loom is silent and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern he has planned"
-Author Unknown

When I think about my grandmother, the main things that come to mind are artistry, wanderlust and learning. Anybody who knows my Grandmother knows that she was a skilled knitter. When I began thinking about her legacy the theme that began forming in my mind was one of a tapestry. I am a knitter as well and one of the things that I like about it is that you are creating something useful and sometimes beautiful out of a series of knots. It takes a certain amount of steady tension, attention to detail and sometimes monotony to create a finished product. I have become quite good at this but anybody who has ever created an intricate pattern with knitting needles knows that the backside of your creation is a complete mess especially when you are beginning.

My grandmother could create an intricate pattern with very little chaos on the backside and that is very much how she travelled through life. Her life was a pattern that was weaved across two continents with the seemingly chance meeting of my Grandfather at Covent Gardens. It was a pattern that was weaved with many adventures, travels, books, learning and teaching.

My Grandmother's knitting talents even survived the 1980's which was not an easy task. Bill Cosby sweaters, mohair, sequins, it was a dark and perilous time in the knitting world. In the early '80's Princess Diana rocked a Peruvian sweater complete with no less than 9 changes of color, a multitude of stripes, little villagers and llamas. You may or may not remember that this sweater became all the rage. I mean Princess Di wore it! They were expensive. My Grandmother knit this most complicated pattern that was not to be believed and the backside looked almost as beautiful as the front.

If you have ever travelled with my Grandmother you would know that this intricate weaving of her life also extended into her downtime. There was hardly ever any misadventure on a trip with my Grandmother. Things hardly ever went awry because the plans were always made in advance to promote optimal learning and enjoyment. I do remember one slight misstep on a trip to Paris with Audrey and Grandma. In searching for the subway we ended up on a tour of the sewers. Forging on valiantly, always several steps behind Audrey and I followed like the dutiful soldiers we were. We figured she knew what she was doing since she always seemed to know everything about the places she travelled, as though she had herself made the maps of the city. But even through this rare detour we learned a lot about the history of Paris. Audrey of course loved to retell this story!

My style of learning was largely shaped by my Grandmother. When I think about how she learned and experimented life I think it was largely through keen powers of observation. She noticed things about people and places that most did not. One of the things that I did not inherit from her was her attention to detail especially in the matters of grammar. Oft times thank you notes and letters from camp were sent back with spelling and grammar corrections. But she always included news of her latest adventures as well.

Ever searching, a restless heart that never let her mind be idle, it was a constant passing of the shuttles, a skillful series of knots and sometimes untangling of a mess that created order out of randomness. A tapestry that we can view now in it's entirety as God has always seen it, a delicate weaving of truth, integrity and wisdom that is ours now to enjoy and ponder in our hearts.

A Child's Eye

11/15/2009- I am sitting on a plane replaying the past 48 hours in my mind. I think that unfortunately the older you get, the more immuine you are to "great experiences" As an adult I have spent two very eventful years in the Peace Corps where I met some of my closest friends. I've been through training as a PA which bonded me intensely to my classmates and created a career that is both rewarding and incredibly flexible. I've been on cross country trips, international adventures, hosted exchange students, enjoyed scuba diving and skiing. I've thrown caution to the wind and picked up a guy on an airplane who later became an amazing husband and father. I was engaged at the Trevi Fountain in Rome! In just five short years of marriage we have created two amazing creatures that are the center of our universe, all the while maintaining friendships, careers and a close bond. My good fortune is beyond measure. However sometimes with all of my amazing blessings that I ironically feel somewhat limited and narrowed in on a track with rich experiences but fewer possibilities. Sometimes I feel that I have chosen my fate and that I fail to see things for what they could be. I envy my children's abilty to see possibilty and wonder at all things. I am not sure if it is the richness of my past experiences or the toughening of my skin created from my career that causes me to feel more jaded to the agony and the ecstacy of life experiences. These past couple of days have pierced straight through to my core and renewed my childlike wonder at the beauty of the earth, it's people and above all God.

Friday November 13th- Travel day to Statesboro. Dinner is at 6:30 in Statesboro. I have blocked my schedule from 2 PM so that I can make it on time. I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a flexible job! The plan is to meet Stacy (my lifelong but long estranged BFF from the 7th grade) at dinner since we are both running late. We meet up at dinner finally and then head out for a couple of drinks. (I know we should go to bed early but me plus Stacy equals trouble) We stay up until 1 AM first at "Chops 119" and then at the hotel yamering like school girls. We finally fall asleep to the serenade of base thumping out of our window at 1:30. I am starting to feel that thrill of adventure, possibility and the unknown that I always yearn for.

Saturday November 14th- Race Day. We wake up at 6:00 AM and make haste to the start in Claxton with very little fuel. We find our team, don our peaches and set off to start our adventure at 7:30 AM. It is chilly in the morning, about 50 degrees, perfect blue skies, no wind and no humidity. I stay close to Stacy and I'm not sure where I am going to fit in amongst my teamates. A lot of us haven't ridden together previously. At about mile ten Pam asks Stacy and me if we want to team up and form a pace-line. We pass up the first rest stop (which we later discover was a big mistake) and motor on over the Canooche river. I am already digging my team by our first rest stop around mile 25. There is nothing like talking about some very personal issues with relative strangers that bonds you to people. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent) What happens in Claxton stays in Claxton! I am reminded of my experiences in Peace Corps, in PA school, in marriage and parenthood. In intense interactions with other kindrid spirits parts of our beings are melted away and blended back together to form an amalgam that is much stronger than a sum of it's parts. We are creating a mark in time from around which I will continue to pivot for some time.

At the second rest stop I provided a little entertainment for our team when I just fell over while barely moving in the parking lot. The embarassment was much much worse than any injuries!

The last ten miles are tough, it is getting windy, we are weary, our butts hurt, my shoulder is on fire! We turn onto a street which I know is yards way from the finish line. Finally! The combination of joy and pain floods my senses once again. 104 miles, several new friends, the renewal of an old friendship, the renewal of my spirit and a wide open heart.

After cheering everyone in we go back to the hotel to shower and relax before dinner. It took us over an hour to get to dinner because we got lost three times. We had a nice meal at the Meinhardt winery and then headed back to the hotel to hang out in the lobby and have a few beers. We stayed up until 1 AM laughing and talking. Not sure what is more sore my shoulder or my stomach muscles from so much laughter.

November 15th- travel day #2- I think I got about 2 hours sleep before I had to get up and drive to Atlanta to catch my 9AM flight. An oatmeal cream pie, an egg and cheese biscuit and Garrison Keillor all saved my life during the long boring drive. I tried to check in at the Air Tran kiosk for about 10 minutes before I realized that my confirmation number didn't work because it was a Delta flight!! I made it to the gate with a little time to spare and had about 15 minutes to get a massage.

Looking over the past 48 hours I am left feeling stripped of ego and pretense. Although I have just reached a major goal and accomplished something that I never dreamed I would do, I feel much less identified with myself as an athlete, a philanthropist, a friend or even as a wife and mother. I am acutely aware not of what I can do or what I know but of the very essence of my being. That is afterall the true path through which all wisdom, love and peace flow through. Through all of my layers heaped on through past experiences these past 2 days have left me feeling vulnerable and impressionable and once again able to see things through the lens of a child's eye

Fishing or church

Not sure if my kids are in need of a little more religious education. At breakfast before he ate his bagel with salmon Adam says, "Fishy fishy in a brooke, come and bite my little hook" Tristan, "AAAA-men"

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Writing history

"I returned to the image of the ruined Temple in Nauvoo-the piles of stone, the column holding up nothing, the chipped piece of the baptismal font. Did any sect or creed, any group of men, deserve such a fate? I believed in everything I said at the lectern, I knew it was true. Surely Brigham, when he stands before his people, would say the same. He believes everything he says, and he knows it is true. How to reconcile our competing truths? By obliterating one? Is it the only way? I turned the question this way and that, doing my best to look at it from each end, pressing upon its points, and I began to feel anxious. Perhaps the Temple ruins were not a symbol of the Mormons' fate, but my own. If one side must be right, and the other wrong, how could I be so certain of everything I knew? Inevitably we were both right, and both wrong, or was this not true? It was a circular question, like an iron hoop, and I could trace my finger along it, around and around and never reach its end. I fumbled with this idea for a long time, losing my grasp on my beliefs, until the early sun came through the fog, and the streets illuminated with the goodness of day." --David Ebershoff, The 19th Wife

This passage from this wonderful book really struck me yesterday. These are the questions that I have in my mind about politics today. Not only is there a great clash of cultures right now regarding the healthcare debate but I feel the same clash in my own heart and mind. Later in the book she realizes that polygamy is actually the straw that breaks the camel's back and that she can only save the church from itself rather than burn it down. Very interesting book that I am enjoying reading.

Racial Outbursts: Are we headed for thought police?

rac·ism
n.
1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.


This past week there were three very different people, from three very different backgrounds making three very publicized oubursts. First it was Joe Wilson on September 9th putting his best foot forward and then in his mouth by shouting out "you lie!" when Obama mentioned that his health plan would not cover illegal immigrants. I mean seriously, to my fellow southerners, let's try harder please. The camera might be rolling. Let's choose our words carefully whether you are interviewed about the latest tornado coming through your trailer park or just sitting like a "good boy" listening to the president. You are making us all look bad and you are an easy target because southerners and hillbilies are some of the only people that we can still make fun of and not be politically incorrect. "Liar liar pants on fire" is not actually appropriate after age 10.

Then this weekend September 12th was the Serena Williams outburst where she set an awesome example for sportsWOMANlike conduct to her adoring young fans when she told the line judge, "I'll shove this f'ing ball down your f'ing throat". Just makes me want to sign little Suzie up for tennis lessons!

Then of course we have Kanye West with his narcissistic rant on stage at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift's speach to let everyone know that Beyonce had one of "the best videos of all time". I digress in order to discuss that ummmm no sorry Kanye in no way was that the best video of all time. Eventhough his rant would be uncalled for regardless, there is no way that three "single ladies" dancing around in black leotards could be considered, "one of the best videos of all time". If that is the case I am about to add a list of grievances inflicted by Kanye. Add to the list "sexist" while we are at it.

So what do all of these people have in common? They are as different as can be, an athlete, a pop star and a politician. However they were captured this week at their most human and ugly. They all had their outbursts towards people of a different race. This of course happens from time to time because we live in an amazing country where people of all colors interact everyday. We have all had moments of less than stellar behavior. Most of us are lucky enough to not have it filmed!

So since the cameras were rolling and we are into analyzing words to death, now we are playing the race card. There has been a little buzz about Kanye's comments as racist and he has definately been called racist in the past. I don't know his heart. There is no way to truly know if someone is racist without really knowing them. And now we have Jimmy Carter weighing in on Joe Wilson's comments as racist and stating that there is a large amount of animosity towards Obama because he is African American.

My question; is this just projection on our society's part? Are we headed towards a "thought police". We have no idea what went on in these people's heads and where these attitudes and tendencies come from. All of our perceptions and actions are adultered by our past, our culture and education. These sort of angry outbursts are formed from the most basic survival mechanisms. The anger protects us. That protection mechanism is formed at an age when our brain is the most vulnerable to cultural (whether negative or positive) influences. This part of our survival mechanism is largely unconscious and formed at an age when we are not even aware that it is forming. Even if there was a racist comment made (which there wasn't in any instance) should we be persecuted for our ugliest thoughts and emotions? How could we hold someone accountable to a claim of racism or even prejudice when we can never really know what is behind such an outburst. We can only reprimand them for the unconscious act that was made.

Even if the act is tainted by that person's bias and prejudice we can't call them racist. To me using the word racist in these instances is like cussing all the time. When you use the word all of the time it lessens it's strength when it is supposed to really mean something. Racist is a strong word. Let's use it wisely. Let's wait for something bigger and badder to come along!

I am concerned about the extremism in our culture right now. I am concerned about both sides. I am concerned about the right wing nuts who are trying to prove that Obama is not a citizen and asserting that his healthcare plan is just a means to usher in totalitarianism. But I am also concerned about the thought police. There have been no racist crimes committed on TV this week by Joe Wilson or Kanye West eventhough their outbursts were uncalled for and should be condemned. We all live in this beautiful world together and we will never be able to overcome racism if we do not see behind these most basic human emotions and try to learn where they really come from. Cultural background breeds bias and sometimes prejudice but it does not bring about racism. Hatred and ignorance breeds racism and we need to stop and realize the power of the words we use to describe even our most unconscious brethren.

Kids....Just plug them in?

I had the most amazing interaction with a six year old patient the other day. He was in with his nine year old brother and his Mom. This was the first time I had seen him but he had quite a thick chart for such a little guy. He had his tonsils and adenoids out a year ago but Mom had been bringing him in because she thought he must still have apnea. She had somehow talked my doctor into getting a sleep study.

I asked her about his breathing at night and she didn't seem to know anything about it. She said that he just seems to show up at the side of her bed in the middle of the night. The sleep study was normal of couse so I look at the little guy and I ask, "Why aren't you sleeping". He immediately starts rubbing his forehead and says, "I play the video games all day long and when I'm asleep they run through my brain and I can't turn them off, I can't sleep" I look at the Mom and we just stare at eachother dumbfounded. I didn't need to ask how much he was playing or how much TV he was watching. She simply asked, "Do you think we should scale back?". I talked to her a little bit about how overstimulating TV and video games can be and it seemed to be the first time she had heard any of this info.

It was really interesting to me to have a real live case scenerio in the theoretical information that I already know. I don't even know if I have actually read the studies that show that TV and video games contribute to ADD or sleep disturbances. It just seems intuitive. It was a real eye opener to have this "from the mouths of babes" experience.

Flash forward to last night when I went out to dinner with the kids, my husband and my parents. Eating out with my two boys is always a little stressful for me. I never really worry about what I order because I am pretty sure that I won't be able to enjoy it. We had to wait twenty minutes for a table and we were already there a little late for their dinner time. There were kids all over and it was a pretty noisy restaurant. I don't really worry about disturbing others in this kind of situation so I don't really get stressed. The kids did really well. Tristan is just loud but it is a "fun loud". I'm pretty sure we had some dirty looks from a couple of people during some of Tristan's squeels of delight but I didn't really care.

As we were paying the bill I noticed that Adam became very quiet and interested in what was going on at our neighbor's table. Then I noticed there were some kids at the table watching a little mini DVD player while the adults talked happily. There were definately two separate experiences at that table, the adult and the child. I thought it a little odd but my Mom was really offended. Then I noticed that the table behind us had the same thing going on! It seems to be an epidemic. My Mom was completely appalled at this point. I was just down right concerned.

Now, I am always careful about not being judgemental about these kinds of things. I never understood the DVD in the car thing until I had to travel with children. I still try to limit movie watching in the car but when you are on the crazy car rides like we take in the summer it is suicide not to have a little back up!

This DVD at the restaurant thing has me feeling both concerned and a little abandoned. Concerned because it seems to be another version of "children should be seen and not heard". Then there is my concern over the kids' mental health and the possible overdose of stimulation: Loud restaurant, all new people, new foods, frenetic cartoon on the TV. But I am feeling abandoned because as parents we unfortunately sometimes sacrifice what we want (dinner at a nice restaurant) in order to take the kids to a "family friendly" restaurant where we know that most people won't care if the kids get a little out of hand. You like to be in a place where there are friendly nods and smiles, a feeling of "been there, done that, don't worry, just breathe..." But if mini DVDs at the restaurant is going to become the new norm then what then?? Where is my refuge??

Again I don't want to judge. Who knows what those families were going through. Maybe they recently had a loved one die and needed a night out but didn't have a babysitter. Who knows? I'm not upset at them but I am a little worried at the ease of which we just plug our kids in these days. You can find endless distraction just about anywhere. Not to worry, we can always just medicate them when the distractions get to be too much. Our generations version of, "turn on, tune in and drop out". Oooh yeah, you are hearing the judge in my voice now right? I'm sure it will come back to bite me in the butt.