Modern Day Dads

"At some point in the last few decades, the American male sat down at the negotiating table with the American female and – let’s be frank – got fleeced. The agreement he signed foisted all sorts of new paternal responsibilities on him and gave him nothing in return. Not the greater love of his wife, who now was encouraged to view him as an unreliable employee. Not the special love from his child, who, no matter how many times he fed and changed and wiped and walked her, would always prefer her mother in a pinch. Not even the admiration of the body politic, who pushed him into signing the deal…Having shocked the world by doing the decent thing and ceding power without bloodshed for the sake of principle; he is viewed mainly with disdain." -Michael Lewis Author of "Home Game"

I heard an interview with this author yesterday on Bob Edwards and I was left wondering if there are many Dad's, including my own husband who feel this way. When I first heard this quote it sounded really harsh but after I listened to it again I began to feel empathetic towards the author. I know that my husband often feels frustrated and never really feels like he lives up to my standards. The 21st century Dad is left with a really tough job.

From a mother's point of view sometimes I feel that I had children and then there was my heart...outside of my body in the form of living, breathing, crazy bouncy boys. Sometimes I feel like every moment of the day is just inches away from certain disaster. Sometimes I look at my husband with my boys and I have mixed emotions of complete admiration and overwhelming fear that he is treating "my heart" like a bouncy ball. I know the pressure that I put on him to be a modern day father, provider and husband is a huge responsibility.



This week I had a Dad in my office with his 5 year old boy. They had been through a lot of antibiotics and were looking for another solution. The story I was getting seemed to be told second hand. I was imagining his wife sitting him down and telling him all of the things that he needed to remember. I knew I was missing some details. Poor guy. We came up with a plan that we thought was reasonable based on the information I had and when he checked out I had the nagging suspicion that he would be back after being berated with all of the questions that he forgot to ask. He was back about an hour later. He seemed so defeated and I felt his frustration. I was left feeling, should he really be expected to do this job well?? Fathering is perhaps not a detail oriented profession.

These mothering and fathering insticts must be inate. I think about primative societies and even animals and it seems to be the father's job to provide and protect and to spring into action when needed. But it is the mother's job to do the "detail work", to notice if a fever is too high, someone is too tired, too hungry. A mother's nervous system is probablby instinctively more aware of the nuances of human behavior. I believe that mothers are more like the alarm system and fathers are like a SWAT team. I don't believe that our nervous systems can be wired to do both jobs really well all of the time.

This may seem like horribly old-fashioned, antiquated ideas to some but I guess what I am trying to say is that I salute Daddys everywhere. You have a tough job and not enough recognition. Happy Fathers' Day!!